Wrinkly Bits

A Blog by Gail Cushman

I’m Schlank Today

My friend Janet and I decided to go out to dinner last night, well, it was not really last night, because I eat dinner mid-afternoon so that I don’t feel bloated at 11:00 pm when I finally hit the sack. We went to a Mexican restaurant, and I ordered one small taco and one small enchilada. No rice, no beans, no flan, no fried ice cream. I did have one margarita, who can resist, and lo and behold, this morning I had gained five — FIVE — not so lovely pounds. I can understand one pound, maybe a pound and a half, but FIVE? My scale must be broken, or my eyes are still foggy from the margarita.

I have been on every diet known to womankind, calories, carbs, Weight-Watchers, grapefruit, Code Red, HC-3 (killer diet at 500 calories a day), South Beach, and a bunch more that I have forgotten. I have a whole shelfful of diet books, most of which are tattered and torn. I faithfully walk 7,000 to 10,000 steps a day, and don’t snack…so what in the world is going on to have gained FIVE pounds?

My mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and great-great grandmother had the same issues. You could line us up in a row and we’d all look alike, like rotund fireplugs. None of us were svelte which I how I have always longed to describe myself. It sounds so cool, “I’m svelte.” Just for fun, I looked up the German word for svelte, and wouldn’t you know it? “Schlank.” It’s just not the same if I would say, “I’m schlank.” Svelte sounds lean and lithe, schlank sounds like a rotund fireplug.

It’s my metabolism, I think, my German genes gave me lots of desirable things like a good work ethic, common sense, and a love of sauerkraut, so I can’t complain. And all of my foremothers had a crazy sense of adventure, which lets me do crazy things without really considering the bad stuff. I’m pretty happy with my life, both past and present, so maybe I shouldn’t complain. I’ll just keep my eyes closed when I get on the scale and sigh, “It’s all okay, I’m schlank today.”

If you enjoy Wrinkly Bits, please share. you can see all of Gail’s books and blogs at gailcushman.com. BTW, her books are on sale through July.

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