Wrinkly Bits
A Blog by Gail Cushman
I’m Schlank Today
My friend Janet and I decided to go out to dinner last night, well, it was not really last night, because I eat dinner mid-afternoon so that I don’t feel bloated at 11:00 pm when I finally hit the sack. We went to a Mexican restaurant, and I ordered one small taco and one small enchilada. No rice, no beans, no flan, no fried ice cream. I did have one margarita, who can resist, and lo and behold, this morning I had gained five — FIVE — not so lovely pounds. I can understand one pound, maybe a pound and a half, but FIVE? My scale must be broken, or my eyes are still foggy from the margarita.
I have been on every diet known to womankind, calories, carbs, Weight-Watchers, grapefruit, Code Red, HC-3 (killer diet at 500 calories a day), South Beach, and a bunch more that I have forgotten. I have a whole shelfful of diet books, most of which are tattered and torn. I faithfully walk 7,000 to 10,000 steps a day, and don’t snack…so what in the world is going on to have gained FIVE pounds?
My mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and great-great grandmother had the same issues. You could line us up in a row and we’d all look alike, like rotund fireplugs. None of us were svelte which I how I have always longed to describe myself. It sounds so cool, “I’m svelte.” Just for fun, I looked up the German word for svelte, and wouldn’t you know it? “Schlank.” It’s just not the same if I would say, “I’m schlank.” Svelte sounds lean and lithe, schlank sounds like a rotund fireplug.
It’s my metabolism, I think, my German genes gave me lots of desirable things like a good work ethic, common sense, and a love of sauerkraut, so I can’t complain. And all of my foremothers had a crazy sense of adventure, which lets me do crazy things without really considering the bad stuff. I’m pretty happy with my life, both past and present, so maybe I shouldn’t complain. I’ll just keep my eyes closed when I get on the scale and sigh, “It’s all okay, I’m schlank today.”
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